Your Child is Not a Robot

Do you ever find yourself in a battle of wits with your child? You want one thing, but he has other ideas. Agency, it's a bummer, right? You've tried, but time and time again, you are realizing that your child is not a robot and cannot be controlled...or can he?

The short answer? No, he can't. Nor do I believe you actually want to control him. But that doesn't mean you don't want to guide him in a way that will help him become his best self. I mean, the prophets do teach that parents are to rear their children in righteousness, teachinging them to love and serve others and to observe the commandment of God and be law-abiding citizens (The Family Proclamation 1995).

So, how do you do this? How do you fulfill this responsibility? Here are 3 principles that, when applied, can help you guide your child without needing to control him. 

Principle 1: SET THE TONE

Dr. Hiam G. Ginnott (2003) says that the goal of parenting is to help children grow up into decent human beings. This is best done as parents set the tone for their home. The way you talk to your child is the way he'll speak back to you. Use language that protects feelings and is not critical of his behavior and speak to him in a way that doesn't cause him to lose competence or self-worth (Ginott et al., 2003).

Principle 2: BE PERMISSIVE OF FEELINGS BUT STRICT WITH BEHAVIOR

Your child cannot help how he feels, but he can be expected to control his behavior regardless of how he feels. Set clear definitions of acceptable and unacceptable behavior and be consistent in enforcing those limits. According to Dr. Ginott, setting and enforcing clear limits will actually help your child feel more secure (Ginott et al., 2003).

Principle 3: LISTEN AND GIVE CHOICES

Like you, your child wants to he heard and values his autonomy. Taking the time to listen to your child and giving him opportunities to experience independence will not only help you gain his respect, but will help eliminate any enmity or resentment towards you (Ginott et al., 2003).

Sources:
Ginott H. G., Ginott A., & Goddard, H. W. (2003). Chapter 10. In Between Parent and Child (pp. 192-203) Three Rivers Press.

The Family Proclamation. Proclamation. (1995). https:www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng.